Night time is my favorite time. I love walking in the park at night, I love swinging in the dark, I like looking at the moon and stars. I just adore everything about the time when the sun is shining elsewhere. I mean, I like the sun too and nature during the daytime is breathtaking, but it is common and everyone experiences it. Night is always different because it is experienced much less.
Anyway, I used to go out in the dark when I was bored and restless. Of late, I have been going when I am distracted and need to process things. Tonight I was super pissed because I don't understand what the heck has been going on in my life. I just know that I do not like being mislead and lied to, and those two things have been October, in a nutshell, for me. So I went to the park a little after 11pm. It was nice and dark, so I stomped across the street and up the hill. I was still frustrated and pissed. The night was not having its usual instant calming effect. I arrived near the top of the hill and there was an ambulance sitting on the path. I almost turned around and went back to my room, but I persisted and just found another way up the hill. I was there for a reason, I was there to swing on the swing-set because swinging is my favorite thing.
I sat on the seat and instantly everything was fine. I was not thrilled with life, but there was as much good as there was bad. The wrong that was done to me was insignificant when I considered the people who I love and the people who love me. There is a lot of them I am finding. And it is not an emotional compulsion. It is a conscious decision each day to continue being there for each other. It is not mindless, but it is natural and it is real. I only sat there for a few minutes because I was creeped out by the ambulance, so I left and I was not gone 5 minutes when the anger returned. I was back to wanting to destroy things. I do not get mad easily, but I also cannot stop being mad easily once I really am mad, so I was worse off than when I left for the walk in the first place.
The point is that the swing set is magical. I go up and sit down, point my toes towards the stars and I'm off in my memory. Off to better days. I visit significant people in my past. I agonized over them before, but the overall effect they have had on my life is positive. I smile when I remember them. I might also tear up, but I do smile. For that moment on the swings, everything is happiness, but then I leave and the knot in my stomach returns. My vision narrows and my heart rate increases. I really do not like being lied to...day or night.
