It's been a while and some thoughts, aka Therapy Session

I haven't posted at all this year, so apologies, but I have recently started writing poetry and I just haven't had the inclination to write on this blog. Since I have been away, they completely changed the lay out of Blogger, so hopefully I can figure this out...again. This is a very specific thinking through typing. Do not expect to be impressed with my level of writing or revelation hereafter. This just seemed like a good warm up topic for in case I return to blogging for real. This topic has just consumed a lot of my energy over the last few months, so I thought I would write it, get it out in the open, and see if this exercise helps me sort it out.
Recently I have been very angry with a certain person. Don't worry, it isn't you if you are reading this. I felt that this person had wronged me, well they did wrong me, but felt betrayed because of a lie. This happened many months ago, but I just could not let go of the anger. It takes a certain caliber of wronging to piss me off to this extent. I will take a lot of crap for the sake of holding onto a friendship, so once something does happen that ruins the friendship I can't let it go in most cases. I tend to go over and over what happened. I will blame myself for parts of it because I know that I am not perfect. I am a fan of the cliche "It takes two to tango" and I apply that mindset to interactions between myself and every person to whom I am close enough to have any sort of fighting. I try to hold myself responsible for myself. I try not to blame others for my own short comings. So when someone does do something so terrible that I can't explain it away as being worth it for the friendship, I don't know how to handle it. Usually it involves a lie, and I just cannot let it go. When something like that happens, I carry a grudge for a long time. Good thing I can count the number of times this has happened on one hand and still have some fingers left!
I gave you that tangent so you know that I am not blaming this person for something I did. I believed the lie I was told because it made the situation make sense for both of us and I went for a few weeks thinking that everything was ok. Not perfect. Just ok. Things were not working out in our friendship, and with the lie it made it seem like we just needed to take a few steps back and continue from there. I was prepared to do this, and I went on being cordial to this person. When I found out that the friend had glossed over an important part of our understanding, everything changed. It's important that this lie affected the entire premise for our friendship.
I could not stand to be near the person, I did not want to talk to the person. I tried to still be nice, but I found that I was physically repelled by this person. My system could not be near this person and still function properly. So that was the end of it. Except that when I saw this person, I looked the other way. When I knew the person would be at an event, I didn't go. If the person was walking behind me, I walked heck of a lot faster the other way. I could not understand why I felt so strongly for so long afterwards. The lie I was told by my friend did not justify my reaction to the presence of this person.
I talked to other friends about it because that's how I handle things, and many of them were shocked to hear that I was still experiencing the same emotions months later. I knew it was ridiculous, but I still held onto my anger. I could not forgive this other person.
Meanwhile, a friend who had transferred away from Bellarmine returned for a visit. I spoke to her about all the drama that she had missed, including my own falling out with this unnamed friend. She told me that I had to forgive and expect nothing in return. I thought I had forgiving the person, but I realized that I was expecting an event of reconciliation between us. I had to realize that this person would not apologize to me, namely because they could not know that I had found out about the lie...at least not for sure. It would, however, be a good guess for my sudden and complete change in behavior. So I am not going to get an apology. We might not ever speak to each other again, but I want to be freed from the aversion that I have from this other person. I need to let it go and not expect anything in return. Not a pat on the back from my friends, or a nod from the offending friend. I need to just let it go.
So there you have my energy sapper of this year, so far. If you have any advice please share. Saying I need to let it go and letting it go are not the same and something you say might make all the difference. I cannot believe that this has weighed on my mind so much, but it has, so there it is. Anna's therapy session.

Walking in the Park at Night

     Night time is my favorite time. I love walking in the park at night, I love swinging in the dark, I like looking at the moon and stars. I just adore everything about the time when the sun is shining elsewhere. I mean, I like the sun too and nature during the daytime is breathtaking, but it is common and everyone experiences it. Night is always different because it is experienced much less.
     Anyway, I used to go out in the dark when I was bored and restless. Of late, I have been going when I am distracted and need to process things. Tonight I was super pissed because I don't understand what the heck has been going on in my life. I just know that I do not like being mislead and lied to, and those two things have been October, in a nutshell, for me. So I went to the park a little after 11pm. It was nice and dark, so I stomped across the street and up the hill. I was still frustrated and pissed. The night was not having its usual instant calming effect. I arrived near the top of the hill and there was an ambulance sitting on the path. I almost turned around and went back to my room, but I persisted and just found another way up the hill. I was there for a reason, I was there to swing on the swing-set because swinging is my favorite thing.
     I sat on the seat and instantly everything was fine. I was not thrilled with life, but there was as much good as there was bad. The wrong that was done to me was insignificant when I considered the people who I love and the people who love me. There is a lot of them I am finding. And it is not an emotional compulsion. It is a conscious decision each day to continue being there for each other. It is not mindless, but it is natural and it is real. I only sat there for a few minutes because I was creeped out by the ambulance, so I left and I was not gone 5 minutes when the anger returned. I was back to wanting to destroy things. I do not get mad easily, but I also cannot stop being mad easily once I really am mad, so I was worse off than when I left for the walk in the first place.
The point is that the swing set is magical. I go up and sit down, point my toes towards the stars and I'm off in my memory. Off to better days. I visit significant people in my past. I agonized over them before, but the overall effect they have had on my life is positive. I smile when I remember them. I might also tear up, but I do smile. For that moment on the swings, everything is happiness, but then I leave and the knot in my stomach returns. My vision narrows and my heart rate increases. I really do not like being lied to...day or night.

Truth in Lyrics

     Most young people seem to look to music to find solace in dark or difficult times. I find this to be especially true in myself, though many of you might find my choice in music questionable, but I digress.When I am experiencing something new, especially if it is negative, I will scour through music listening to hours of audio and analyze pages of lyrics looking for the song that captures my emotion perfectly.
     Why do I feel this compulsion? Is the reason the need to put my feelings into words? Am I looking for some kind of truth or solution?
     I think I am trying to find truth and understanding, but the first step is to put the emotion into words. Though, I must say that I never seem to find what I am looking for in these situations. I would probably do better to try my hand at writing my own words for those emotions. That's an original idea! Though the problem is that I do not know the solution, so it is a nasty cycle of bursting emotion and frustration.
      Language is a complicated concept, but it defines our humanity. That is why pain removes our humanity, because it removes our ability to form language. Instead we can only scream in agony. It would make sense that I would need to form painful emotion into words to somehow reassure myself of my own humanity.
     An interesting counter point may have to do with instrumental music. There have been times when I have found certain instrumental performances to be so much more emotional than any words. Sometimes large spans of time could pass and I would almost be in a dream state. This is definitely taking a break from language of the typical sort, and maybe even taking a break from humanity. Plato would not approve.
    Now I will get to the question that actually prompted me to write this post. Is there actually any truth in song lyrics? How do you know what is actually true and what will lead you to misunderstanding?
     Maybe there is truth in the song for the writer, but my way of trying to find a song to fit a new emotion is fairly futile. It is probably more effective to find emotions that fit songs as you listen to the music while in a neutral emotion, and then when you feel that emotion outside of the context of the song, you can turn to it when craving a purging of that emotion.
     If you can relate, please comment; I would love to hear other ideas. If not, sorry for wasting your time and sounding insane. Also my apologies if this seemed disjointed. It is late and the ideas are not fully formed.
Thanks for reading!

Being You

     One of the most important things that you can do for yourself and those around you is to be you. No one else thinks like you, so sometimes you feel the need to be like others and to earn their approval. The truth of the matter is that there are always two sides to a story. There are always two (or three) opinions, so some one will always agree with or accept you, but it might be different people on different topics or at different times. Also, since you are the only person that is exactly like you, you have to fill your niche. The great thing about a niche is that only one thing can occupy that space. As soon as two different things fill the same niche, it disappears. True, in biology many organisms of the same species occupy a niche, but the idea holds true to my arguement. For a species to exist it has to do something that no other species does. If two species play the same role, one will beat out the other in the end. For you to be happy or achieve what ever telos you strive for, you have to be independent from other people. Personally, I strive to be happy. If I begin to think that in order to be happy I must be like another person, or be accepted by another person, it becomes impossible for me to actually be happy. Instead, I become consumed with gaining acceptance rather than just enjoying the characteristics and ways of being that make me who I am.
     On the flip side, I find that when I ignore what others think of me, it somehow comes off as not caring about them or not trying to get along with them. It becomes a question of do I cast off characteristics of myself inorder to make the other person happy? Or is it wrong for the other person to expect me to cast off that characteristic? What if multiple people feel the same way about the offensive characteristic?
     I think the answer lies in doing the right things with the right people. If there is a characteristic that comes out in a certain situation that certain people do not like, then it makes sense simply not to create that situation with those people. As I said before there are always two opinions, so with regard to these possibly offensive characteristics, I just need to find the people who accept those characteristics and do not find them abraisive. I would not need to spend time with those accepting people exclusively, but rather just live out certain characteristics with them when necessary. It is very important not to change yourself for other people because that only leads to resentment and unfulfilment...aka unhappiness.

Communicating Today: Facebook

     The average person is said to spend 400 minutes on Facebook per day. Why do we spend so much time on this website? What are we doing during this time? Is this time valuable? Is important news recieved on Facebook made less important because it was shared on Facebook? I do not have the answers to these questions, but I'd like to spend a little time talking about the place where we seem to do the majority of our talking today.
     Previews for the movie "The Social Network" portrayed Facebook as a place worthy of nostolgic feelings. This makes sense. Think about the news and information you recieve on Facebook and how they make you feel. Relationship updates, emotional blurbs, and pictures of friends and family are frequently exchanged. You can  organize or be invited to a friend's party, a school sponsored function, or a community event with a minor celebrity. Think about how you feel when you are looking at the profile of your new crush or that person to whom you are "talking." These can all be very emotional experiences. As you look at these posts and recieve these updates you go through feelings the same way as when you are talking face to face. Emotional people feel nostolgia as they look through old facebook information, just as they do when they revisit a place where they were happy or meet up woth old friends. The only real difference is that it happens at the computer and you do not have to be anywhere or with any one specific to feel the nostalgia.
     Important interactions happen over facebook. Some people recognize that it is better to have some exchanges face to face, but in a pinch, Facebook serves nicely. For example, it would be better for me to meet new cousins in person, but since they live far away and my family is not close enough to meet up more than a few times a year, pictures on facebook do nicely to put new faces with new names, and I do not have to miss the first few days after the new cousin is born. Those first days are meticulously recorded and shared on Facebook. Another example is keeping in touch with college friends over breaks. For long breaks, it is common for me to write a few sentences on close friends' walls. I'd prefer to be hanging out in the dorm with them playing games or gossiping, but a short note to tell them I am thinking of them connects us nicely until the time we are reunited.
     Curiously, I do not feel the need to do this with high school friends. Those people who I have known for six to fourteen years are a different story. These people I talk to via Facebook to make plans and to comment on statuses and that is all. When we meet up, as we invariably do over long breaks, I find that we pick up right where we left off even after spending many months apart, exchanging only a few words over that time. These friendships are not better for being weened from Facebook, but they are just more comfortable. We do not need to remind each other of our existance. We know that we are all there for each other when the time comes, and when that time doesn't come, but a chance to hang out does come, we are ready to have fun and enjoy each other's company.
     The reason I am thinking about this today, is because a friend of mine who falls into the last category of friendship (those I knew in highschool and many years even before that) had to tell me something crucial via Facebook. This would have been a hard conversation face to face, but it was slightly more difficult on facebook. This friend came out and told me that they were gay. My friend did not know how I would take the news, so they were nervous about telling me. They felt that it needed to be done and that there was never going to be a right time to say it, so they just told me kind of while we were having a different and much more trivial/abstract conversation via chat.
     While I was in high school I avoided forming an opinion on gay anything. I felt that my church told me one thing while my life was telling me something different, so I was opinionless so as not to offend either aspect of myself. In my first year in college, I was given the ability to see that life is about loving all people and that it is not my place to judge anyone for anything, especially not a characteristic that they cannot control and that only defines one part of who they are. I do not know if it is right or wrong, as I am not given the understanding of the mind of God, but I know that it is right to keep being a friend to my friend regardless of the rest. That is what Jesus would do, and I am so thankful that I figured this out before my friend came out to me.
     As for the actual conversation, it was difficult because my friend knew about my religion and they did not know my stance on this one issue. My friend thought it was important that I know now, so the conversation happened. I felt the need to communicate my acceptance repeatedly because my face and voice were not able to stress my sincerity, but then I felt like I had said it too many times and it might sound as if I was convincing myself along with my friend. In the end, I think I got it right by showing my interest in my friend's experience in coming out. It will be my task for the rest of the summer to confirm my words I typed tonight with my actions. This will certainly put my new opinions to the test, but I care about my friend, so I do not forsee a problem.
     This might be the most important thing that has happened to me on Facebook. It was something of a revelation that something this important could happen on Facebook. This exchange has caused me to re-evaluate the connections formed and information exchanged on Facebook, and I have found that it is more useful and emoional than I ever imagined. This must be why we spend so much time on The Social Network.

A Live Jazz Band

I anxiously stood in my ensemble class, alternating between stumbling through my half of the duet and watching the clock approach, and then pass, 7:30. When he finally let us go, after much discussion, I flew out of the doors of the Fine Arts Building and ran across the Quad to Wyatt Hall, and sneaked in the back of Crawle Theater, snatching the last seat in the very back corner. So maybe it was not quite that dramatic, but a dramatic entrance was necessary for the scene upon which I happened.
When I arrived, John Brennan was jamming on the drums, Louie Hehman was dancing his fingers across the piano, Sully and Joe were chilling on their strings, and the band sounded great. They performed a few songs that brought smiles to my face and were genuinely well done. Louie delivered his crowd pleaser of playing the piano with his foot and all of the performers sounded wonderful. I was enjoying listening for each instrument, hearing the beautiful lines which transitioned so perfectly. JB was the star, but the other performers were very respectful: none of them taking up more attention than necessary.
I was thoroughly entertained by the performance, but then they played "My Favorite Things." I cannot tell you how beautiful their arrangement of that song was, so if you did not hear it, you better find someone who recorded it. Sorry that I cannot help you on that one. I wish. That classic song is usually done well, but JB's drumming made it magical. He introduced the song saying, "Close your eyes and we'll take you away." He was not kidding. They took me away, but I did not have to close my eyes.
They closed the set with the Stevie Wonder marvel, "Superstition." The sheer amount of enjoyment on the stage during that song was absolutely thrilling. There is nothing in this world like a live Jazz band. 

Thoughts on Weddings

Everyone knows a girl who is single, and no where close to being engaged, who has her entire wedding planned out. She knows what her dress will look like, she knows how many people she wants to invite, she even knows what her mother-in-law is going to wear. She has the whole shindig laid out. You do not know who she is before hand. There is not a certain type of girl dubbed 'wedding planner.' They may seem like practical girls with practical expectations. They may be the super religious types. They may be the athletic, jock types. You would probably be surprised by a few of the girls that you already know that have their weddings planned.
Personally, I do not have my wedding planned. I do not think it is all that important. It is not for sure that I an even getting married, so it seems like a waste to spend a lot of time researching and thinking about "The Big Day." It seems like it would be preferable to have it open-ended so that the other people, like your fiance and his family, can have a say without a fight. Besides, does it really matter what the napkins look like? Does it matter how many flowers are in the center pieces? Does it matter what color the bridesmaids wear? No one is going to remember every detail and they will not be essential to your marriage later, so it seems silly to be so set on your choices and to spend so much time planning them.