I haven't posted at all this year, so apologies, but I have recently started writing poetry and I just haven't had the inclination to write on this blog. Since I have been away, they completely changed the lay out of Blogger, so hopefully I can figure this out...again. This is a very specific thinking through typing. Do not expect to be impressed with my level of writing or revelation hereafter. This just seemed like a good warm up topic for in case I return to blogging for real. This topic has just consumed a lot of my energy over the last few months, so I thought I would write it, get it out in the open, and see if this exercise helps me sort it out.
Recently I have been very angry with a certain person. Don't worry, it isn't you if you are reading this. I felt that this person had wronged me, well they did wrong me, but felt betrayed because of a lie. This happened many months ago, but I just could not let go of the anger. It takes a certain caliber of wronging to piss me off to this extent. I will take a lot of crap for the sake of holding onto a friendship, so once something does happen that ruins the friendship I can't let it go in most cases. I tend to go over and over what happened. I will blame myself for parts of it because I know that I am not perfect. I am a fan of the cliche "It takes two to tango" and I apply that mindset to interactions between myself and every person to whom I am close enough to have any sort of fighting. I try to hold myself responsible for myself. I try not to blame others for my own short comings. So when someone does do something so terrible that I can't explain it away as being worth it for the friendship, I don't know how to handle it. Usually it involves a lie, and I just cannot let it go. When something like that happens, I carry a grudge for a long time. Good thing I can count the number of times this has happened on one hand and still have some fingers left!
I gave you that tangent so you know that I am not blaming this person for something I did. I believed the lie I was told because it made the situation make sense for both of us and I went for a few weeks thinking that everything was ok. Not perfect. Just ok. Things were not working out in our friendship, and with the lie it made it seem like we just needed to take a few steps back and continue from there. I was prepared to do this, and I went on being cordial to this person. When I found out that the friend had glossed over an important part of our understanding, everything changed. It's important that this lie affected the entire premise for our friendship.
I could not stand to be near the person, I did not want to talk to the person. I tried to still be nice, but I found that I was physically repelled by this person. My system could not be near this person and still function properly. So that was the end of it. Except that when I saw this person, I looked the other way. When I knew the person would be at an event, I didn't go. If the person was walking behind me, I walked heck of a lot faster the other way. I could not understand why I felt so strongly for so long afterwards. The lie I was told by my friend did not justify my reaction to the presence of this person.
I talked to other friends about it because that's how I handle things, and many of them were shocked to hear that I was still experiencing the same emotions months later. I knew it was ridiculous, but I still held onto my anger. I could not forgive this other person.
Meanwhile, a friend who had transferred away from Bellarmine returned for a visit. I spoke to her about all the drama that she had missed, including my own falling out with this unnamed friend. She told me that I had to forgive and expect nothing in return. I thought I had forgiving the person, but I realized that I was expecting an event of reconciliation between us. I had to realize that this person would not apologize to me, namely because they could not know that I had found out about the lie...at least not for sure. It would, however, be a good guess for my sudden and complete change in behavior. So I am not going to get an apology. We might not ever speak to each other again, but I want to be freed from the aversion that I have from this other person. I need to let it go and not expect anything in return. Not a pat on the back from my friends, or a nod from the offending friend. I need to just let it go.
So there you have my energy sapper of this year, so far. If you have any advice please share. Saying I need to let it go and letting it go are not the same and something you say might make all the difference. I cannot believe that this has weighed on my mind so much, but it has, so there it is. Anna's therapy session.
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